Memoir of a Carwash Manager

My brother Neil (the one who recently got married) works as a manager at a local full-service carwash. As manager, he is in charge of the hiring and firing and deals with some interesting people. Here is a story he recently shared with the family:

The following is a completely true story. Liz found it to be very funny so I thought I would see what the rest of you thought. I'm thinking of writing a book. Ok, not really. But I could because things like this happen to me quite regularly.

I employ any where between 30 and 45 employees depending on the time of year. On average I’ve hired 120 people every calendar year over the last three years. I have to increase our staff in the fall to accommodate an increase in volume. Since we have a short period of time to hire a good amount of people, we end up just about hiring anyone. I’m telling you this to justify to myself that it's not my fault that I am surrounded by complete idiots.

On a cold fall morning I had an individual come in to fill out his new hire paper work. He was interviewed by my assistant the day before so this was the first time I was blessed by his presence. I was not surprised by his appearance though. He was 6’2” and maybe 250 lbs. Caucasian. Blonde hair and in his mid twenties. The sides of his head were shaved down to his skin and the long hair on top flowed over his sides and down to his shoulders, a style that was probably cool in the mid 90’s. He had one eye that shot off to his left and was missing a tooth in front of his “grill”. I use the word grill because I assume that is the word he would use to describe it. I had him fill out his W-4, I-9 and other basic paper work, not an easy task as I have found out in time here. He forgot to write his name. His name was James. I figured it would just be easier to fill it out myself. I started to write his name down and asked him if he had a nickname, as James sounds kind of stupid in my opinion.

“Eclipse” he responded. I stopped writing mid word and just sat in my chair for what felt like an hour, more likely it was several seconds.

“What?”

“Yeah, Eclipse. All my friends call me Eclipse."

I continued to sit silently staring at him. I assume he must have thought that I was unsure how to spell it on his W-4 because he stood up, turned, and lifted the hair off the back of his head. Right there, clear as day, tattooed across the back of his head was the name “all his friends call him.” I am glad he showed it to me because I would have made an ass out of myself by spelling it wrong. Of course he spelt it E-K-L-Y-P-S-E. He turned back around seeming very pleased that he was able to settle this miss understanding.

“I was looking for something more along the lines of Jim or Jimmy.” I said with a bit of a smirk.

“No, You can just call me EKLYPSE.”

I took a deep breath, stared him in the one eye that was pointed in my direction and said, “There is no way I’m going to call you EKLYPSE.”

We both sat there silently while I filled out the information he was too stupid to do himself, like his name and address.

Finally I asked. “How did you get the name EKLYPSE?”

He quickly replied with a tone as if it was obvious and I was the idiot, “Well I just came up with it one day.”

After he left I just sat in my office and stared with the light turned off looking into the vast darkness of my meaningless job.